WHEREAS, the 78th annual meeting of the American Society of Mammalogists was held at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (a.k.a. Virginia Tech), Blacksburg, VA, on 6-10 June 1998; and
WHEREAS, the meetings were opened by a mammalogist (Stuart Landry) crashing the open bar at a wedding so that he could register with a drink in hand; and
WHEREAS, Virginia Tech's world class hardwiring of their campus and community for computers and high technology must have been accomplished at the expense of audiovisual efficiency, leading to the algorithm: VA Tech # AV Tech; and
WHEREAS, the Society was impressed by the innovative social programs at Virginia Tech to ensure the proper feeding of their less fortunate students. The program is called the "honor system" at the picnic and banquet; and
WHEREAS, while most universities have a single mascot identity, Virginia Tech has two; with names like "hokies" (defined in campus folklore as a castrated turkey) and "gobblers," it may be easy to understand why Virginia Tech chose two. Perhaps the more significant question is-why isn't there a third?; and
WHEREAS, although ASM members were requested to "look for" signs for directions, apparently no one found them in time to put them out before the meeting; and
WHEREAS, the campus map in the program put north at the bottom and west on the right hand side, resulting in confused mammalogists backing into the meetings; and
WHEREAS, we wonder if the navel-high shower heads in the dorms reflect sexual dimorphism in the students at Virginia Tech; and
WHEREAS, adjacent to the dining hall, Virginia Tech exhibited its high tech, engineering based mammal collecting equipment, including hydraulic cherry pickers for studying bats at the tops of buildings, an orange drift fence dotted with pitfall traps for hominids (without formalin or ethylene glycol but with ethanol), gopher and tuco tuco excavating machinery, and a motorized flat skin preparation machine; and
WHEREAS, the mixture of unlimited alcohol combined with an extension cord that mammalogists apparently mistook for a hand rail resulted in frequent blackouts at the auction; and
WHEREAS, global warming and El Niño combined to produce the coldest Mammal Meeting on record; and
WHEREAS, the ad hoc Strategic Planning Committee pronounced the ASM "in fine condition," followed by pages of recommended changes; and
WHEREAS, Jim Reichman and the ad hoc Strategic Planning Committee, under the guise of fiscal responsibility, recommended additional spending of hundreds of thousands of dollars; and
WHEREAS, Managing Editor Joe Merritt received mixed signals from the Board including "Do not publish more than 1,200 pages" followed by "You must publish all manuscripts previously accepted for the August and November issues;" but one signal was clear - anything that Joe does that does not please any Board member will be his fault; and
WHEREAS, President Alicia Linzey pulled the ultimate Knox Jonesian power play by giving up the presidency while retaining control of the budget via chairmanship of the newly formed powerful Planning and Finance Committee; and
WHEREAS, we might add, that her manipulative skills were further documented when she successfully made her Ph.D. advisor Jack Cranford her servant for this week; and
WHEREAS, we are saddened by the absence of Dr. Karl Koopman, but when Bill Lidicker made the motion to add $300 to the budget to fund AIBS, many Directors heard a small voice say "It seems to me ..... "; and
WHEREAS, the pressures of the Secretary-Treasurer's job have driven Duane and Dahnelle to take separate flights to the meetings; and
WHEREAS, the "Guidelines for the Capture, Handling, and Care of Mammals" ruffled feathers ..... uh, we mean fur ..... and made no one happy but exemplified the finer aspects of the art of compromise; and
WHEREAS, the picnic and auction, with free adult libations, were not located near a relief facility, this may explain why the grass on campus is so green; and
WHEREAS, it may also explain, in some small way, why there are more beautiful shades of green at Blacksburg than can be found in Ridgeway's color standard; and
WHEREAS, a bountiful picnic held in the brisk mountain air and the most excellent efforts of auctioneer Thor Holmes resulted in the annual auction netting record donations for the Future Mammalogists Fund; and
WHEREAS, Jack Cranford must have discovered the secret of cloning, as he was always everywhere that he was needed; and
WHEREAS, the Society was impressed by the abundance and quality of food, (including cappuccino, hot tea, and fried mushrooms), the efficient shuttle to the airport, the logistics related to the meeting rooms and slide preparation, the wonderful, efficient, and friendly nature of the Local Committee, and the positive, upbeat atmosphere of the meeting;
THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the American Society of Mammalogists expresses thanks to Virginia Tech and to the Herculean effort of Jack Cranford and his wife Debra, and his Local Committee, for a wonderful and productive meeting.